ALONE I'm this close to my mother And yet I'm all alone Homesick when I'm right at home In my world So upside down I feel so departed Not normal anymore So much is going Through my mind Feelings and thoughts Emotions and Everything I can't control it I can't obey it I don't even Understand it I'm so confused I'm right here Writing out my thoughts And yet I'm so confused I know what I'm feeling But I can't explain it I know what I'm thinking But I don't know What it means What to do It's like I'm in a coma And I just can't wake up During the day it's energy At night it's loss of hope All alone In the privacy of my home But I'm so surrounded I need to be by myself I'm not by myself I'm caught Caught in a web Of jumbling words Syllables I cannot read Though they all come from me I know it means something I don't know what I don't know if I should know what I don't know what to make of it I don't know how to ask Writing down my feelings But I'm oh so confused For emotions spilling out Are half the battle Once I start It becomes more than feeling It becomes pure madness They keep circulating in my head They won't leave me alone I'm tired I'm worn out Stressed out is the way to put it I need to be alone But I don't want that time to think I want to be busy But what I need may not be needed And what I want I really need I need to be alone indeed But busy is needed more For when I am alone I think And when I think I'm overcome Confusion is my mind No longer am I free No longer am I what I am No longer can I sing with happiness For thoughts depress me Weigh me down I don't even know what they mean But the thinking is driving me mad For I don't know how to think I don't know how to decipher What comes from my mind It comes straight from inside me Right from myself Yet it's not clear at all What is clear is I yearn to know it But what I see is I'm confused And what I need is not to know it For it's just all the better To not be confused For I'll never know it The confusion's what it is to me What it'll ever be What I need is busyness For when I'm busy I'm overcome Yet not with sadness but with fun With energy and not with thought When I'm busy I'm alone When I'm alone I'm busy with thoughts Those thoughts invade me Take away my privacy But when I'm busy I'm alone Occupied yet by myself In the world I choose to be Not in the world that chooses me Not in the place Not in the time Not in the way that hurts me so When I'm busy I'm alone And alone is the way I choose to be. Written in 1998. Poetry